Who am I?

That's a good question, isn't it? I'm pretty certain that it's something that we have all asked ourselves at one time or another...who am I?

So what is the answer? How do we define our Self? And no, you may not ask your family for their opinions, you may not consult with your best friend or your mom. This is about who YOU think you are.

Do you use labels? I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a writer, I'm an executive assistant.... all external things? Or do you use internal emotions and feelings? I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm considerate. But those are positive internal emotions...how comfortable are you with that? Do you instead go with words like "shy", "reserved", "not very confident"? Does the positive somehow not feel safe? Or maybe just not applicable to you?

Think about the last time someone gave you a compliment: "Wow, your hair looks great today!". Simple, right? No ulterior motives to be seen, right? Now how did you respond? Did you say "Thank you" very politely and look away? Did you say "Yeah, I'm pretty pleased with it today too" and smile? Or did you spend 10 minutes trying to talk your way out of the compliment? "Oh, well, I've not really done anything with it today. It needs a trim badly. I'm not so happy with the color that was done last time..."

Let's look at why you reacted the way you did to the compliment.

Example one says: Oh dear, you noticed me. Now what do I do? I can't be impolite. I'll just say thank you and get on with it.

Example two says: Cool! You noticed how great I look! You made my day!

Example three says: Dear God please let a big hole in the earth open up and swallow me right now.

What does your reaction say about how you define your Self or how you really feel about your Self? It says a lot.

I read a quote the other day that says something to the effect that you will only tolerate as much abuse from others as you are willing to inflict upon yourself. So if you're finding that other people are always taking advantage of you or being abusive in some way, how does that reflect on how you view you? Do you see other people who are happy and outgoing who seem to attract people like bees to honey? Why are they like that? What do you think that says about how they define themselves?

Okay, so that's a lot of questions to ask and to try and find answers to. Feeling squirmy right now? Does the thought of looking deep enough within your Self to honestly answer the question of "Who Am I" have you looking for the nearest escape route?

Yep, me too.

But, because I'm me, I can't leave anything well enough alone. I have to dissect it to the nth degree, analyse it, understand it and then put it back together again. Only once I have thoroughly obsessed with and about any given topic/subject/task can I then let it rest. I'm so much fun!

So when I asked myself years ago, "Who am I", it took a very long time for me to arrive at a definition that I was satisfied with. Then, (because I'm me!) I picked up another book or looked at another web page or took another course...and I'm catapulted back to square one. All of the sudden my "satisfied" feeling of who I am disappeared and I'm back to questioning everything and feeling like nothing in my life fits.

However, today I wondered something. I wondered if I really am back at square one with my definition of my Self. I wondered if I really need to start over and rip everything apart again or if maybe, just maybe, this process of Self Discovery is not about finding an absolute. Yes, yes, I know. Intellectually, I understand that life is the journey and not the destination. I know that life has it's ebbs and flows...I know that the only thing that never changes is that everything always changes. But it's only been recently that I've figured out that I change too. As my life changes, so do I. Ergo, my definition of my Self changes along with everything else.

Given this, how can I possibly use the same words to describe my Self all of the time? If I'm always changing to match my life and my circumstances, then how is it possible to be back at square one? Well, it's not possible. Huh. Imagine that.

What brought all this on today? Another website!

I have recently become a Certified Sacred Gifts Guide (for more on what Sacred Gifts are, check out my website) and during that process, I used the material to determine my own gifts before thinking about trying to help others uncover theirs. Now, I went through this process once before, about a year ago, so imagine my surprise when my answers to the questions this time around were different and when I uncovered Gifts I didn't know I had!

Does that mean I was wrong before? Does that mean that I didn't understand myself before?

No, it means that I've changed and that, along the way, I have gotten to know my Self just a bit better. Layers of an onion, Shrek, layers of an onion.

Yes, some things are the same. Some Gifts I've known that I possessed long before I had ever heard of Sacred Gifts. But others came as a bit of a shock because they seemed so in contrast to my personality...and in contrast to the definition of my Self that I had come up with. In my "AHA!" moment, a new definition of my Self was born.

Today, I investigated a website on Enneagrams. And my world shifted again.

Enneagrams are about personality types. There are 9 and we all fit one description more than another. We obviously have bits of all the personality types within us, but one enneagram is most prevailent. After taking a short, sample quiz, the website generated an overview of which personality type is most me based on the answers I gave. Seemingly harmless right? Just another way of getting to understand myself right? Another way to explore human nature, right?

Well. Yes. That is how it should be. However.

"You cannot be in the light without casting a shadow" says Deepak Chopra in the documentary "The Shadow Effect". True. Very, very true. Have you ever tried to stand in the light and avoid seeing your shadow? It's simply not possible. Your shadow exists and it is a part of you. But it's not the only part of you...just as the light is not the only part of you. You have it all, honey, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's ALL you. It's all me.

That is what I was forced to remember today and the reason for this lengthy post. When I read the results of my sample enneagram, I saw all the good stuff and, beaming with pride, I'm giving myself high-fives in the mirror! Dag nabbit, I'm great!! And then I saw the bad stuff...the shadow side. My balloon didn't just deflate, it exploded and left a gooey mess on the floor. Here is a sample of what went on in my head:

"Geez, am I THAT too? Really? But that's awful! I thought I was past that...I thought I had stopped doing that a long time ago...oh no...have I started doing that again??? How do I make it stop? What's wrong with me that I just can't get this right!!"

Sound even the least bit familiar?

The simple truth is this...and yes it really is this simple: I'm everything. I'm all of it. Yet at the same time, I'm not any of it because I am constantly changing, growing and evolving. Labels, even the "good" ones are transient.

I am not the person I was yesterday nor am I yet the person I will become tomorrow.

Know what? That's actually pretty liberating and empowering. Now there's a label I can live with!