Who am I?

That's a good question, isn't it? I'm pretty certain that it's something that we have all asked ourselves at one time or another...who am I?

So what is the answer? How do we define our Self? And no, you may not ask your family for their opinions, you may not consult with your best friend or your mom. This is about who YOU think you are.

Do you use labels? I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a writer, I'm an executive assistant.... all external things? Or do you use internal emotions and feelings? I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm considerate. But those are positive internal emotions...how comfortable are you with that? Do you instead go with words like "shy", "reserved", "not very confident"? Does the positive somehow not feel safe? Or maybe just not applicable to you?

Think about the last time someone gave you a compliment: "Wow, your hair looks great today!". Simple, right? No ulterior motives to be seen, right? Now how did you respond? Did you say "Thank you" very politely and look away? Did you say "Yeah, I'm pretty pleased with it today too" and smile? Or did you spend 10 minutes trying to talk your way out of the compliment? "Oh, well, I've not really done anything with it today. It needs a trim badly. I'm not so happy with the color that was done last time..."

Let's look at why you reacted the way you did to the compliment.

Example one says: Oh dear, you noticed me. Now what do I do? I can't be impolite. I'll just say thank you and get on with it.

Example two says: Cool! You noticed how great I look! You made my day!

Example three says: Dear God please let a big hole in the earth open up and swallow me right now.

What does your reaction say about how you define your Self or how you really feel about your Self? It says a lot.

I read a quote the other day that says something to the effect that you will only tolerate as much abuse from others as you are willing to inflict upon yourself. So if you're finding that other people are always taking advantage of you or being abusive in some way, how does that reflect on how you view you? Do you see other people who are happy and outgoing who seem to attract people like bees to honey? Why are they like that? What do you think that says about how they define themselves?

Okay, so that's a lot of questions to ask and to try and find answers to. Feeling squirmy right now? Does the thought of looking deep enough within your Self to honestly answer the question of "Who Am I" have you looking for the nearest escape route?

Yep, me too.

But, because I'm me, I can't leave anything well enough alone. I have to dissect it to the nth degree, analyse it, understand it and then put it back together again. Only once I have thoroughly obsessed with and about any given topic/subject/task can I then let it rest. I'm so much fun!

So when I asked myself years ago, "Who am I", it took a very long time for me to arrive at a definition that I was satisfied with. Then, (because I'm me!) I picked up another book or looked at another web page or took another course...and I'm catapulted back to square one. All of the sudden my "satisfied" feeling of who I am disappeared and I'm back to questioning everything and feeling like nothing in my life fits.

However, today I wondered something. I wondered if I really am back at square one with my definition of my Self. I wondered if I really need to start over and rip everything apart again or if maybe, just maybe, this process of Self Discovery is not about finding an absolute. Yes, yes, I know. Intellectually, I understand that life is the journey and not the destination. I know that life has it's ebbs and flows...I know that the only thing that never changes is that everything always changes. But it's only been recently that I've figured out that I change too. As my life changes, so do I. Ergo, my definition of my Self changes along with everything else.

Given this, how can I possibly use the same words to describe my Self all of the time? If I'm always changing to match my life and my circumstances, then how is it possible to be back at square one? Well, it's not possible. Huh. Imagine that.

What brought all this on today? Another website!

I have recently become a Certified Sacred Gifts Guide (for more on what Sacred Gifts are, check out my website) and during that process, I used the material to determine my own gifts before thinking about trying to help others uncover theirs. Now, I went through this process once before, about a year ago, so imagine my surprise when my answers to the questions this time around were different and when I uncovered Gifts I didn't know I had!

Does that mean I was wrong before? Does that mean that I didn't understand myself before?

No, it means that I've changed and that, along the way, I have gotten to know my Self just a bit better. Layers of an onion, Shrek, layers of an onion.

Yes, some things are the same. Some Gifts I've known that I possessed long before I had ever heard of Sacred Gifts. But others came as a bit of a shock because they seemed so in contrast to my personality...and in contrast to the definition of my Self that I had come up with. In my "AHA!" moment, a new definition of my Self was born.

Today, I investigated a website on Enneagrams. And my world shifted again.

Enneagrams are about personality types. There are 9 and we all fit one description more than another. We obviously have bits of all the personality types within us, but one enneagram is most prevailent. After taking a short, sample quiz, the website generated an overview of which personality type is most me based on the answers I gave. Seemingly harmless right? Just another way of getting to understand myself right? Another way to explore human nature, right?

Well. Yes. That is how it should be. However.

"You cannot be in the light without casting a shadow" says Deepak Chopra in the documentary "The Shadow Effect". True. Very, very true. Have you ever tried to stand in the light and avoid seeing your shadow? It's simply not possible. Your shadow exists and it is a part of you. But it's not the only part of you...just as the light is not the only part of you. You have it all, honey, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's ALL you. It's all me.

That is what I was forced to remember today and the reason for this lengthy post. When I read the results of my sample enneagram, I saw all the good stuff and, beaming with pride, I'm giving myself high-fives in the mirror! Dag nabbit, I'm great!! And then I saw the bad stuff...the shadow side. My balloon didn't just deflate, it exploded and left a gooey mess on the floor. Here is a sample of what went on in my head:

"Geez, am I THAT too? Really? But that's awful! I thought I was past that...I thought I had stopped doing that a long time ago...oh no...have I started doing that again??? How do I make it stop? What's wrong with me that I just can't get this right!!"

Sound even the least bit familiar?

The simple truth is this...and yes it really is this simple: I'm everything. I'm all of it. Yet at the same time, I'm not any of it because I am constantly changing, growing and evolving. Labels, even the "good" ones are transient.

I am not the person I was yesterday nor am I yet the person I will become tomorrow.

Know what? That's actually pretty liberating and empowering. Now there's a label I can live with!

Essence

Not quite a year ago, I received the gift of the first level of Reiki.

I was told that having these attunements can have a profound impact on ones life.

Profound does not even begin to describe what followed. In a nutshell, my entire world shattered into a million tiny pieces on the floor. Amid the destruction, I stood, wondering how I was ever going to put everything all back together again.

Somehow, I did put things back together...but in a much different configuration than what previously existed. Just as a forest devastated by fire regrows stronger than before, so too did I grow stronger.

Now, nearly a year later, I have received my level two attunements and I am preparing to take the step of becoming a Reiki Master in May.

Just a few days after I received my level one attunements, I was able to offer my first treatment. This is the poem I wrote following that first experience.

Wind whispers, filling my ears with promises to be made and kept.

The creek trickles, gently flowing

Carrying hopes and desires to my soul.

Blazing sun, not yet softened by dusk.

Beads of sweat form on his forehead.

Smells of lavender and rose

Sweet and intoxicating.

Joy. Peace. Power. Intention.

Perfection in all its simplicity

Washes over me like an ocean tide.

Waves of acceptance and understanding swell and consume me

Cleansing and healing.

Doubt and insecurity recede

Carried away with the flow and rhythm of my breath.

Surrendering to the guidance of the ancient wisdom

Flowing through my hands.

Brilliant light cascades down.

Standing in a shower of sparkling diamonds.

Breathtaking beauty

Stripped of all illusions and masks

She stands before me

Strong and proud in her truth.

My mirror.

My reflection.

The Toes That Show

Here is something I wrote last year...but it's one of my favorites. Read on and see if it becomes one of your favorites too!

So what happens when you want to wear open toe shoes and you haven't had time to properly paint your toenails and get your feet in show worthy condition?

Easy.

You just paint The Toes That Show.

By doing this, you're taking care of making sure that the toes people can see are all pretty and perfect.

But what about the other toes? The ones that people don't see? What about The Toes That Hide?

No, I've not totally snapped the remaining thin thread of my sanity. Let me explain.

One of my co-workers has a bottle of nail polish on her desk and will routinely only paint the toes that show in her open toe shoes rather than taking the time to do all of them. This got me thinking. It seemed to me that painting just "The Toes That Show" is a bit of a metaphor for the persona that we present to the outside world, versus who we really feel that we are on the inside (The Toes That Hide).

The Toes That Show is (are) the face(s) that we put on for others...the face we wear to work, the face our friends see...the face our good friends see...the face our family sees. But what happens to The Toes That Hide? What happens to the face(s) that we hide inside ourselves, that we don't let anyone see? The ones that aren't so pretty and perfect?

Generally, I consider myself to be a "what you see is what you get" kinda gal. But when I truly sat and thought about The Toes That Show, it made me wonder. There are things about myself that, not only do I not advertise, but that I deliberately stuff down with as much force as possible and bury them as deep as I can. I think we all have things like that...things that we would be horrified to admit to feeling or thinking.

So this begs the question of why. Why do I hide these Toes? Why are there things about myself that I am too ashamed of or afraid of to let be seen? Are these things about me so very horrible that everyone I know and love would head for the hills, running away screaming? Would they make little children cower in fear? Would these things cause me to lose everything that I have ever worked for in my life and reduce me to a pile of ashes?

Most likely not.

Would showing off The Toes That Hide offend someone? Absolutely. Would showing off The Toes That Hide cause me to lose some of the people in my life? Most probably. Would showing off The Toes That Hide make me feel good about myself? That one is harder to answer.

In one way, yes, showing off The Toes That Hide...allowing THAT face to see daylight, would make me feel incredibly good about myself. It would be liberating, a sense of freedom, a kind of honesty that would have no equal. But it's the part of me that is ashamed and afraid to show off those Toes that bothers me.

If I was living my life in such a way that I was being completely true to myself, it should not bother me to show off The Toes That Hide when circumstances were appropriate. Would I show them to everybody? NO! I'm a bit of a strange one at times, but I'm not totally without tact and decorum. But as I've thought more and more about The Toes That Show and the ones that I allow to be seen, the more I'm realizing that The Toes That Hide are just as important.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life is about balance. We need it all: love and hate, light and dark, tears and laughter. All of these things together define who we are. Love cannot exist without hate. Light cannot exist without dark. The Toes That Show cannot exist without The Toes That Hide. All of those things that I have refused to acknowledge about myself are just as much a part of me as the things that I am proud to display.

So another question. Is there anything to be gained by allowing these Toes to continue to Hide? Or should they have their turn in the light?

This is the task that is before me.

I alone know what The Toes That Hide look like. I alone have to live with them. In truth, it shouldn't matter what other people think of them...they are still MY Toes, they are still ME. Those that are truly my friends, those that truly love me, will accept my Toes That Hide just as easily and with hearts just as open as is done for The Toes That Show. And anyone that does run away screaming...or that slinks away quietly hoping I won't notice they are gone...anyone that does leave my life...perhaps they just weren't meant to be there in the first place.

Unconditional love is just that: unconditional. It's not pretty, it's not perfect. It's not just there in the good times and for the laughter...unconditional love is there through it all. Unconditional love will hold your hair back for you the morning after the night before, unconditional love will be okay with holding you as you drip snot and tears every where, unconditional love will carry you when you are too weak to stand on your own.

And, of course, me being me, that brings up another question. Do I have that kind of love for myself? Or do I just love The Toes That Show? And if I favor The Toes That Show, do I have the right to ask others to accept my Toes That Hide when I am unwilling to do so myself?

The answer to that is obvious.

Right now, as I write, ALL of my toes are painted. They are painted red..."The Keys To My Karma"....I love the OPI themed polish colors...and I love my Toes.

All of them.

At the beginning...again

It never ceases to amaze me how things always end up coming full circle. Somehow, despite our valiant struggles to "move forward", we inevitably find ourselves right back where we started.

And so here I am. Again.

I started a blog under a different name nearly two years ago. It's been almost a year since the last post. Now, I am beginning again.

So much has changed so rapidly. I remember the day when this journey began in earnest for me...the day that I realized there would be no turning back this time. It was late 2000. I was standing on the platform waiting for the West Coast Express to take me to work for the day and I remember feeling very agitated in my head. It was like there were over a dozen voices all clamouring to be heard and acknowledged. That day, above the din, there was one voice that was louder and very clear in its message. "Better hang on tight girlie, because here we go." And then I had the sensation of jumping and falling off the edge of a cliff. Or was I pushed? No matter. The result was the same.

At the time, I had no idea of what that message meant. But boy do I understand it now!

Slowly and almost imperceptibly, things in my world began to shift. We moved to a new home, I had my first baby, I changed jobs, a couple of friends left my life. Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Happens all the time, right? Uh huh.

Then as time went on, the shifts began to get a bit more pronounced and were accompanied by significantly more drama. Time to try for a second baby, a painful loss, more job changes, new people entering my life...people that were unlike any others that I had ever met before. Or since.

By this point in time I had discovered the magic of yoga. I knew about yoga (as in exercise) before, but it wasn't until 2007 that I really understood what amazing gifts could be found within a regular Yoga Practice (capital Y and capital P) and within the branches of the 8 limbed "tree of yoga". As I began to deepen my explorations, I found all sorts of other goodies...meditation, Reiki, angels, crystal healing, Sacred Gifts, and, most significantly, my own intuition and power.

And now the fun began for real.

The past three years have been like getting sucked into a spinning vortex of chaos. I've felt a certain kinship with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz...and I became very envious of her sparkly red shoes that promised to take her home.

"There is no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone."

That's a quote I heard recently that sums it up pretty well. True, growth is anything but comfortable, but there are days that plucking nose hair would seem less painful. Don't you agree?

So now I feel like the vortex has finally finished with me and has spit me out...or what's left of me. And truth be told, there isn't much of the Me that got sucked into the vortex all those years ago left anymore.

It was today as I was writing an email to a friend who also happens to be a Reiki Master (LOVE her!), that it really hit me full force just how different ME is these days.

Words that would never have entered my thoughts let alone my conversations, or heaven forbid, my descriptions of myself, are now getting tossed about with sheer abandon. Words like "transformed", "confident", "aware", "beautiful", "successful" and, my favorite, "self acceptance". Those are words to describe other people, people better than me, people more enlightened than me. Aren't they? NOPE! HA! SURPRISE! Those words are me. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle of that vortex, my whole life changed.

Where do I go from here? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out! Where once there was darkness and dread, my future outlook is now full of hope, promise and Extraordinary Trust. I can have it all if I want it. Do I want it? You bet I do baby!

As I finished up that email to my friend the Reiki Master, I once again felt like I had approached the edge of the cliff. But this time, with a smile on my face, I put down the heavy backpack of things that I no longer need to carry with me, things that no longer serve my purpose, things that no longer are a part of me. And this time, I know for sure I jumped. Heck, I took a running start this time! And over the edge I went: willingly and purposefully, screaming with joy, all the way down.

Samasthiti. We begin again.